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Soar Away

I wish to experience sunsets at the beach
Little waves embracing my worn out feet,
As they slightly sink into the dampness
Of the sand, and the lurking familiarity
A frail old man selling cotton candy
Feeling the salt breeze through my curls
To watch the sea gulls find their way home
I’d feel at home then, and soar away

I wish to find a cozy corner
In a not-so-crowded, endearing café
My head behind a book, sipping coffee
But secretly watching the toddler eyeing me
Exchanging a smile or maybe a handshake
His laughter ringing in my mind,
My way back, in the risky rickshaw ride
I’d feel at home then, and soar away

I wish to go on long walks
With a companion or without
Witnessing the skies changing hues
And the busy life just pass by me
I’d watch people of every kind
While i sipped in an overly sweet cup of tea
Inhaling the warmth the place offered
I’d feel at home then, and soar away

I wish to assemble in front of the huge mirror
My weary reflection staring back
Alone, I’d soulfully glide around the room
Emotions taking over me, gulping the silence
Another day, the same room but crowded
Spirit overflowing in abundance
Failing & falling, but only with a smile
I’d feel at home then, and soar away

~AS

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A Gratitude Note

There goes a saying that ‘the most life turning events happen to you when you least expect it’. Although there have been many instances in life to vouch for the above statement, it is funny how I started on this writing blog, during what I could highlight as the most struggling phase of  my life. I thought a lot about what I am going to write about in my first article of the blog, and because i miserably failed (a natural indecisive Libra), I decided I would write about the present. The present, where everything is not rainbows and unicorn and in fact, it is quite the thunderstorm here. What I wanted to highlight through this post is that it amuses me how with the worst, you are able to see the best around you too. And I cannot be more grateful for everything that brings the best out of me and around me. This piece of writing is dedicated to everyone and everything I am grateful for, and to remind my readers to look around and to find what brings you solace.

For someone who has been writing journals since her teenage years, writing has always been an activity where I form a space which is personal and brutally honest. And that is exactly what I would like to carry onto my blog too, to keep it simple and honest. That said, everyone close to me knows that starting this blog was super impulsive, because life felt so morbid that I wanted to do something spontaneous, to finally get that urge of doing something new, which would bring a new routine to my life. Planning of the blog started more than a year ago, where my best friend, after reading some of my work, screamed in my face that I had to start a writing blog. I really wanted to, but I had my own battle going on in my head with a lot of self-doubt and how I will never be enough. The conflict was with my other voice in the head which said ‘but honey, you won’t know unless you try’. This went on for a year, completing other commitments too on the way, but if it has not been obvious, the year has not been so kind to any of us. The irony of it all is that I started this blog when I have been feeling my lowest. I realised that sometimes, we cannot keep waiting for things to get easier or better in life with time, sometimes we should just seize the day and get what you want. Own the time you have. And that is how I spontaneously started it, super scared about the outcome, well honestly, I still type with shaky hands. I am still paranoid about a lot of things regarding this writing space, but I must admit that a little bit of it fade away every time I post something here. So I guess we are on the right track, eh?

This was supposed to be a gratitude note because just attempting to get over this fear is a huge accomplishment for me and I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for a few people in my life. Gratitude comes naturally when you realise the value of certain things and people in your life. There have been times when I have felt the lowest and did not want to communicate with anyone through any source, but some of them did nothing but stayed to let me know that I was not alone. I don’t think words will suffice to let them know how grateful I am for their existence in their life. I am sure a lot of you must have experienced this, that in your toughest times, you find the people who has always been real to you, who wants to see you grow, and as much as they hate to see you suffer, they let you have your space, guarding behind the walls you’ve built to recover from your experiences. If you have such people, or just ONE person like that in your life, then I must say you are lucky. Hold onto them, because in today’s world, it is not easy to have a support system who genuinely wishes for your well being and growth. As the world is fighting a pandemic, it is obvious that everyone is going through a difficult time, and naturally I feel guilty for burdening others with my experiences. People around me (virtually, of course), have taught me otherwise, that it is okay to be there for each other while you’re both in a difficult time too. I love the balance that I carry with these certain few and it is beyond wholesome to have someone to genuinely give an ear out to you while you do the same to them. 

 I have always been a person who gives; gives attention, effort, care, a helping hand, love and everything I can to a person who means a lot to me, most of the time not expecting anything back, to be very honest. But it is not even funny the number of times people have walked over me and just left for no reason at all or taken me for granted. And at this point in life? I am grateful to all of them too, for showing me that I am so much more worthy than their toxic behaviour and I deserve, if not more, definitely equal to what I give in. And I know there are so many people out there just like me. Difficult situations in your life, where there may be moments when you’re trying so hard to breathe normally, definitely breaks you, but at the same time it has somehow made me stronger than ever too. The confidence I have now to say this out loud did not come easy, in fact I have come a long way from taking all the blame to realising I was not wrong at all in the first place. They also taught me to always keep a distance from people like them. So see? We do learn a lot from every kind of individual. 


Some of my favourite quotes and phrases told to me by people who are the most dearest to me and which are etched in the deepest part of my heart are: ‘it is what it is’, ‘you are stronger than you will ever know’, ‘this too shall pass’, ‘everything happens for a reason’. Life has been a lot easier since I started understanding and soulfully believing what these statements truly have to convey. I am grateful to my family for several reasons that I cannot reveal at this point, because they have a huge part in the person I have become today. I have learnt the do’s and most importantly the do not’s from them and I cannot be more grateful, because that is what I am going to take forward in my life while I build a world of my own. Lastly, I am grateful to myself, for fighting through all of this and not giving up even on the days I’ve been dancing on a thread. It is important to introspect and realise what relationship you have with yourself. Honestly, mine is conflicting. Just an hour back I was questioning myself for a lot of things. But what I see as most important is that by the end of the day you try to go through everything and always prioritise yourself over everything. You are your strongest soldier and no matter what your support system is, they will only be the cherry on the top of the cake, but your life decisions and actions driven with love is what makes the cake. I am grateful to myself for having this realisation. This year has been the most difficult one for a lot of us, but I must say this year has been the best for me in many aspects with the highest achievements in life; achievements that matter the most.

~AS

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Crimson Scars

She, a mysterious moon child

Living in the shadows, wailing

Her smile screaming insecurities she borne; 

She was no perfection in the world’s eyes

Her innocence blanketed with aggression

Covering her body with shame

As she was scorned upon

Unable to witness her innate worth 

She, a mysterious moon child

Bearing lightening scars on her body

Too heavy for some

Too weak for others

And when pronounced a beauty

Her mirror image hung her head in shame

She was no good to a world

Who labelled beauty in a rigid box

She, a mysterious moon child

Struggled with a bleeding open wound

Her efforts in healing was in vain

Unceasingly stabbed by the near and dear

Unaware of the tremendous beauty she was

Time played fairy godmother

And she grew unfazed to the worldly beauty chimes

She journeyed to embracing her raw imperfections

She, a mysterious moon child 

Grew to flaunting her crimson scars

That adorned her dark skin, with pride

Like the silver lining on the clouds

Because how can the world not see

That Luna herself bore innumerable blemishes 

And the mother reminds all her children

That war marks aren’t to be hidden, but flourished.

~AS

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You Dream On.

Trailing through the golden field 

I ran behind a precious six year old

The skies above us stained with periwinkle

Her laughter echoing through the place

I wished to see her soar high above

And fought the fear that lingered in me

No monstrous hands dare pull her down

My beautiful angel, you dream on. 

Her imaginations keeps me amused forever

So much that i can see the whole galaxy in her eyes

As she enthralled to cross the meadows

Because her dreams kept her calling

I wished to cling onto my sweet child

And whisper to her as i shield her 

About the cruel world that lures injustice

To cradle her, chanting strength and not lullabies 

You rest in me

And rest those petal eyes 

Away from the horrors of the world

I’ll blanket you

With fairy folklores

Where the princess slays the dragon

Because darling, the world is a cruel place

But i want you to strive on 

Strive on, to capture what’s far away

And seldom let anyone tell you otherwise

What terrifies you? Let be your strength 

What consoles you? Let be your hope

May nothing stop those innocent feet

From dancing around to harmony

Find glory with the marvelous grace you are

And my darling, you dream on.

~AS

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A Silhouette

In a dim lit room she lay listening

To the scary silence, beckoning

The untouched, stained coffee mug

Crumbled papers, in a corner rug

Floors smeared with gouache paint

Her eyes seemed faint

Golden hour rays did no justice

To her bloodshot face, a failed apprentice.

The only movement made

When she curled up into a fetus

Wanting to be a speck that was unheard

Wanting to experience a hiatus

Did her paintings and art

Scream self-love?

Because she valiantly tried, but

Alas! They seemed far from love

She reached out to him

She reached out to her

Her agony knew no bounds of grim

As her mind was let aloof like a feather

Unwanted and untouched and filthy

Painting grief on her tainted canvas

Holding onto her dreams she will be

Finding shelter in her newly washed pyjamas

She liked the deadly exterior silence

As her interior screamed with chaos

Her heart yearned for vengeance

Because loving too much was her only loss

But she lay there calmly

Soaking in the last few rays

Of the sun and her hope, scarcely

She, a silhouette, not for your gaze

~AS

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The Bloody Sakura

Kohled eyes, uncombed hair

Not from a fairytale

 A distant dream,

Forbidden to further sail

An angry, silent, resting hurricane

Her poise ever so poisoning

In a body so familiar with scars

Carrying stillness in her

Away from bloody wretched hands

Stillness; that knew wars and the cries

 An avalanche of emotions

Tumbling down scattered

Into the bloody pond that overflowed

Her reflection rippling

And the soul almost fading

Drenched in beautiful despondence

Winds adorned her hair

With cherry blossoms that blew in

From the tree she embraced

To casket her life in safe.

~AS

Giving My Friends Bookish Descriptions.

She amazes me every single time. Accepting this nomination and coming up with something soon. Thanks, Shubhi darling!❤️

The Shubhster Diaries

A while ago, my best friend Kriti, who runs the blog Kittu’s Modern Mixtape, wrote a very beautiful bookish description of me, and two days ago, on an Instagram live, I said that I would definitely like to try writing something similar sometime. Yesterday, Kriti wrote yet another bookish description of me in her post ‘Writing My Friends as Book Characters‘ (go check out her blog!) and she nominated me to carry this challenge forward, which I gladly accept because this sounds like a very fun way to give a new dimension to the people in my life.

As per the guidelines on Kriti’s post, I have decided to let these descriptions remain anonymous; so, feel free to come up with a nice mental image of your own when you’re reading these! I further nominate my friend Anupriya who runs the blog Amour Infini

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A Little About Myself

“The scariest moment is always just before you start. After that, things can only get better.” ~ Stephen King

Hello to everyone reading this. Firstly, I would like to thank you for taking time to visit my blog. Writing, to me, has always been very person to me. As a child, I was obsessed about how beautiful my writing should look like, from my handwriting to the spacing to what I wrote. It is only as you grow you realise that, writing is meant to imperfect and messy and that itself makes its personal and unique. I started writing journal entries from my teenage years and because for the same reason, writing became a way of expression for me. Things that I couldn’t talk about or couldn’t muster up energy or strength to confront, my journal pages would witness them.

I have never been confident enough to put out my writing, and now after a lot of self-doubt and procrastination, here I am finally. I decided to tackle my fears one day at a time and I believe that my thoughts should be put out to people who may find some form of connection with it.

Shout out to my best friend for helping me choose the name for this blog, Amour Infini, which means Eternal/Infinite Love. For a person who is in love with the idea of love, I intend to spread this concept to my readers. Also, it is what my name means, and maybe I will live up to my name someday. I wouldn’t have done this without the constant push and encouragement from a few very dear people.

I really hope something gets conveyed to you through my writing and I would love to hear your feedback and comments.

With Love,

~AS.

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